Fuck You Louisiana! - The Deridder Pizza Hut Chronicles

I dont regularly eat fast food, but when i do it tends to be pizza. Pizza Hut has always been the most convenient and, having no major issues at first, i ordered most of my junk food from them. Unfortunately, the slips ups have become more and more noticeable in the last 6 months. It started subtley with somewhat lukewarm food and the occasional asshole delivery guy. It has since transformed into something else entirely.

The final straw for me was an order i placed online; apparently the delivery drivers car was in the shop so i has to pick my food up from the store. Normally this would be trivial. Shit happens, whatever.

My issue is that they didnt call me until 10 minutes after the food was suppose to be delivered.

So anyway, i get into my car and drive to the store. The parking lot was jam packed, so i had to go through the drive thru which fortunately (i thought) only had two other cars ahead of me. Things went downhill fast.

It took almost 20 minutes to get through those two cars. Not only that, but the gate to the dumpster was left wide open blocking the lane next to the drive thru which, after moving out of the way a number of times, i got out and muscles shut myself.

When i finally did get to the window, my food was ice cold. I conplained to the manage and was told i had to submit all complaints to them online in order to get a refund, since i had paid online with a credit card.

Fuck You Louisiana, and your little Pizza Hut too

Louisiana Residents

Is it really all that difficult to be on time? Or be prepared? Apparently it is for people in Louisiana. Today, I will be spotlighting one such incident on 'Fuck You Louisiana!'

If someone responds to your ad on craigslist or wherever, and you set up a time and place to meet, it is generally considered pretty simple to show up on time. Unless you live in Louisiana. In that case, you show up 20 minutes late. In addition, you also tell me that you didn't bring exact change because you where never intending on paying my asking price (notice how they think its an asking price; its not. It's the price, damn it!). This adds another 20 fucking minutes to what should have only taken 5 at the most. So in summary...

Fuck You Louisiana!
Sincerely, me

Fuck You Louisiana! A Fourth of July Special!

 This special fourth of July edition of 'Fuck You Louisiana!!' is dedicated to a select number of residents in DeRidder, LA who demonstrated this very topic over the weekend.

First off, let me say that there is a difference between rednecks and white trash. What is it you say?Well, it's very simple: We both enjoy shooting guns. The difference ends when our white trash brethren decide to fire theirs into the air. On the Sunday night before the fourth of July. In the middle of a residential neighborhood.

Put the fucking shotgun away, ok cooter? Save it for duck season out on the bayou where the only people you can maim will be you and your dumb ass buddies.

Fuck you Louisiana!
sincerely, me

AT&T Wireless of Western Louisiana

In a rare double-whammy edition of 'Fuck You Louisiana!' I will be exploring the merits (or in fact, the lack there of) of AT&T Wireless in the central and especially western portion of Louisiana. Now don't get me wrong, every other cell service has garbage service out here, but AT&T is the only one who boasts of having decent service; at least Verizon and the rest can be honest that they don't serve this nasty ass hick region.

We waited 8 months of the last year with garbage phone service because AT&T swore they where installing 3G for the area. One year later, my phone has started saying "3G AT&T", but it's funny... service is just as slow and crappy as it ever was. They offered us a 3G Microcell (basically a mini hot spot that runs off your internet), but it hogs up so much of my already slow internet (see previous rant about suddenlink) that I have to make a decision between internet/Netflix on my xbox or good cell service. This is bullshit people; utter bullshit. Is it really that hard to install sufficient cell phone towers in an area to provide good service? Or have you been serving Lousiana for so long that you've started to take advantage of people like everyone else in this godforsaken shithole of a state? Anyway, I digress.

Fuck You Louisiana!
sincerely, me

Suddenlink Cable and Internet, Deridder Louisiana

Hurray for another edition of 'Fuck You Louisiana!'. Today, I dedicate my time to Suddenlink cable internet and phone service. Basically, its the only option for internet and cable TV that doesn't involve a satellite dish. Unfortunately, the service is still pretty ghetto; lots of channels that either don't work or are insanely pixilated, crappy customer service, and prices that (while better than satellite) border on the obscene when you consider how crappy the hook up is. Internet is technically DSL, but speeds are closer to old school dial up; I don't know if its because Louisiana's infrastructure is a byzantine piece of shit, but it still sucks. So in summary, while Suddenlink is the least crappy of all the options in western Louisiana, its still ghetto as all hell.

Fuck You Louisiana!
Sincerely, me

Deridder Walmart Patrons

In this episode of 'Fuck You Louisiana!' I recount my experiences with Deridder, LA residents at the local Wally World. To be totally honest, I'm not surprised; but that doesn't mean I can't still be disappointed.

So I was standing in the checkout line, minding my own business when one of the locals pushed her cart up behind me and jammed it firmly into my hip. I turned around to see who had hit me, and she gave me a look like I was the asshole and said "Whut?". I asked if she could back up a bit, to which she replied by backing the cart up all of a millimeter. I thought it was over at this point; WRONG!

As I stepped forward and started loading bagged items into my cart, the bitch pushed the cart into my side again. Only this time, she was now blocking the credit card screen by about two and a half feet. When I finished loading my bags, I turned back and asked her politely if she would back up so I could swipe my card. She responded with "Whut? You can reach it."

It was at this point that I gave up on being polite, and told her (and I quote) "ok, then I can stand here with my credit card and wait for you to back your fat ass up. whats it going to be Jabba?". Her jaw dropped as she stared for a second, then she frowned and made a face and moved back a couple inches.

I pulled out my cell phone and checked the time and told her "still waiting princess". She snarled again and moved back a foot.

I rolled my eyes and told her "can we move this along?". She about lost it, "what the fuck!? pay for your shit already!".

"I would if you would drag your ass backward another foot! Is that really so hard for you tubby?". She looked like she wanted to strangle me, but she finally stepped back another foot, at which I returned to my normal politeness and thanked her kindly. I stood in front of the counter and promptly whipped exact change for the transaction, handed it the cashier (who laughed), smiled and left the building.

The end.

FUCK YOU LOUISIANA!!
Sincerely, me

Wallace Eye Surgery, Alexandria Louisiana

Today on "Fuck You Louisiana!" we detail the latest in shitty Ophthalmologists (thats eye doctors for us lay people) in our review of Wallace Eye Surgery in Alexandria Louisiana! The short version is they are lazy and minipulative, but I'll elaborate in a bit.

The Good Things: None that I know of. Seriously. There may be college degrees involved, but that doesnt make these people any more friendly (especially not for us active duty personnel on tricare). For all I know they may do good things for anyone with civilian health insurance, but I'm not one of those people. If you are military, and on Tricare, stay FAR FAR AWAY.

Shitty things/Summary: Don't even come here; they don't care about you or your families health, and they know that the government will pay for the appointment either way so they don't give a shit. They turned my daughters hour long eye exam into a 4 hour nightmare (half of which was because the doctor decided to go on his fucking lunch break instead of doing his job). Next, when I asked them for an explanation, they gave me the run around before finally becoming rude and refusing to tell me any thing until I had a written request for information from Tricare. Finally, despite being active duty and fully covered, they demanded payment up front. I will not be returning; if I have to, I'll drive to San Antonio. I don't know who is more anti-military; the Taliban or Wallace Eye Care and Surgery.

Fuck You Lousiana!
sincerely, me